Keeping dreams alive

Only a few short years ago (in 2018!), I learned how much I love to garden. Truly, it’s a big and deep love! It was only by accident that we brought gardening into my life, and now I can’t let it go.

Unfortunately, depression (of any depth, really) can make it really easy to neglect the things that make life worth living. Having a mind that is tainted by grief, sorrow and depression is not a mind that will readily choose things that bring light and life back into my world. It’s a truly complicated battle.

Two years ago, I chose to stop gardening. The previous year had been difficult on my body, and gardening was too exhausting and painful to enjoy fully. I was unable to tend and care for the garden to the extent that it needed, and I was unsure of how to ask for help (especially since my gardening was usually a last-minute decision after debating if I had any energy to devote to it). The negative thoughts kicked in, as I was unable to figure out how I could make it work with even less physical ability than the year before, so I decided to stop gardening.

But when the new year came, my husband encouraged me to plant seeds anyway.
And when the time came to renew the garden plot that I rent from a nearby church, my husband encouraged me to renew the plot anyway.
Then the seeds sprouted, and a spark of joy broke through into the dark parts of my mind. It was brief, but it was so beautiful (and needed).

I planted my seeds way too soon, but they served their purpose of reminding me of the joy of gardening.

…plant seeds anyway

Unfortunately, last year was still quite difficult physically, tending to my garden.
It took me the entire year, but I have finally started finding ways to tell my husband what my garden needs, and what role I need him to play in order to make that happen. (Or that I need to figure out how to ask someone else.)

My yields last year were mostly abysmal, and I know some of that was completely out of my control (I mostly blame the overabundant rain that water-logged my plants). I harvested only a dozen tomatoes, three sweet peppers, and zero garlic. (The basil was prolific, thankfully!) Overall, it was a bit demoralizing. I no longer have the physical ability to tend to my garden as it needs, and that has been a hard pill to swallow.

Once again, I found myself making the choice to stop gardening.

Then, at the very start of 2024, a new friend ignited that spark of joy with a beautiful surprise.

Last year, I sold her a young tomato plant I had grown from seeds I had harvested with my own hands. Beautiful striped tomatoes, which taste delicious. Her tomato plants were prolific, and this one was no exception. So, near the end of the season she took a cutting from the plant, rooted it, grew it, and then gave it back to me as a gift.

A truly wonderful gift.

With that spark, my ‘crazy plant lady’ heart started beating wildly, and our home started to be filled to the brim with green living things.

I finally set up the AeroGarden someone had gifted us for Christmas 2023 (it’s still a mystery), and slowly filled out our apartment with multiples of the vining Zebrina plant, which had also started out as a single gift.

As the apartment started to get overrun with vining plants, I purchased more pots and eventually started selling them (with more available every few weeks!).

Before too long (and well before the time to plant outside, in my area), that one tomato plant had grown large enough to take a cutting.

So, I did what any ‘crazy plant lady’ might do — I rooted it!

Every week, it seemed, that tomato plant was producing another cutting for yet another plant.

Also, I got my heat mat set up, filled my tiny pots and toilet paper rolls with seed starting soil, and planted a wide variety of seeds. Most of the seeds were ones I had harvested myself! I even planted a few trees from the seeds I had harvested, and kept my fingers crossed that they would somehow sprout.

Day after day, and week after week, these plants keep growing. A few of the plants have been fortunate enough to be selected (by me) to be planted into cups (a step up from their toilet paper roll home), but I have quickly run out of room under my two grow lights. Still, they keep growing (though a few have certainly slowed their growth to account for their root space).

I know I am not doing it perfectly, and I know that I planted way more seeds than I have room to care for the plants, but it is so much fun!

Even if I had to start over tomorrow (which would be a major bummer!), the joy of seeing those tiny green leaves pop out of the ground would still be just as real as it was a month ago.

it is so much fun!

And this year, I’m remembering to ask for help! (…sometimes)

My husband worked with me to get the garden bed prepped early, to help keep the soil healthy, and to give time to let the compost set in.

We worked as a team.

We decided together what day and time would work for gardening.

I went to the local hardware store in advance and bought everything we needed. Some helpful strong people working at the store loaded the bags of compost and mulch into the back of our car. The bags sat in the car overnight, and made it smell wonderful and earthy.

We drove to the gardens after work, and began.
I moved the drip watering lines safely to the outside of the garden bed, so they wouldn’t get buried by soil (or damaged by gardening tools).
My husband used a wheelbarrow to move everything next to the garden bed, and then proceeded to break up the existing soil with a shovel, to mix everything in.
I raked the soil, to break up any chunks, and he added the compost while I raked, to mix it all together.
He smoothed it all out, then added the mulch to cover the soil with an even layer, to prevent weeds from growing.

We finished at just the right time, and paused to enjoy a beautiful sunset.

Day by day, step by step, we are keeping my dreams alive.

Together.